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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

In My Noggin'

So where the heck am I in my head these days?  I'm not quite sure, but I am on the upswing.

I know after Lonestar I was a little deflated, having the swim nix'd from the race.  I immediately signed-up for Redman, for my first half-ironman distance and that had me stoked.  Then, we all lost a beloved BFF.  Silverlake didn't pan out the way I hoped either -- I had an improved swim and bike over last year, but my run was way worse -- that f'd with my head. 

All that said, I feel like my biking and swimming are doing fine, which is something positive.  Of course there's always room for improvement, but those disciplines aren't suffering like my running is.

My coaches notice I'm not the same as I was over the Winter and they're trying help me find my way, so to speak.  It's no secret to I've had a string of mental/emotional challenges and I've just been trying to bring some consistency back into my training and get my head fully back into the game, believing I am a strong athlete, not a fat, slow, undeserving-to-participate kind of athlete.  
 
It seemed like after my 2-3 weeks of inconsistency it just all of a sudden turned hotter than Hades here in Houston.  I mean like in the snap of a finger!  My mediocre run pace has increased tremendously (as everyone's has, but I feel like mine just launched to an all-time high!) and my legs just feel like dead weights.  Of course with Redman 20 weeks away, I'm nervous.
 
So we're changing some things up for a week or two and see if we can inject some life back into these mobile tree trunks of mine. :)

Last week my training log was almost a completely "green" week (my training session blocks turn green if I complete sessions in full), with the exception of cutting my portion of the "Noon in June" half marathon short -- that box turned yellow (ugly!). 

Speaking of the Noon in June.  This was by far one of the toughest challenges I had, and I was more anxious about doing this run than any race I think.  I had myself all worked up!  It's essentially a half marathon run in the middle of the day.  It's not an organized race, it's just a redonkulous training challenge someone thought of, clearly after a few too many drinks.  The real challenge though is to completely the Sylvan Beach triathlon, then do the Noon in June 2 hours after finishing the race.  We had one guy do the race and ran half of the Noon in June.  I wound up relaying with him, only doing the 6 miles.

I've run father than 6 miles plenty of times.  It's not a unique feat for me, but this run had more mental purpose than anything.  I quite literally fought with myself the entire time.  Asking myself where that athlete was who was rip-roarin' ready for Lonestar?  I was talking to E, asking her to show me the fun in Running (she hated running, but still smiled!).  I pleaded with myself to believe I am better and stronger than my mind was allowing me to perform.  At mile 4, I was running through the trails, not a stitch of wind and nothing but thick breathe but thick, hot air.  I took shelter in the pavilion shade for a couple minutes, felt the slight wind and regrouped.  I won't go into details, but it wasn't pretty.  There were some tears, some yelling and some foot stomping. Yeah, I looked crazy in every sense of the true meaning of the word.  I think any anger or sadness I've had about anything but hadn't expressed came out in those few minutes.

After that though, I felt better.  I mean really better.  I won in the battle of  Me vs. My Mind.

I'm a dedicated athlete.
I'm a strong athlete.
I'm an athlete with a shitload of potential which I'll never see if I sell myself short.

Up until Monday, I couldn't find it in myself to register for Y Freedom because that was E's race.  I wanted to do it, but just couldn't  Her son is doing it with some friends, so I really wanted to as it's his first triathlon!  Still I held back.  After Sunday's run I had a change of heart, and registered.  I need to do this race to honor her and for myself.

After Y Freedom is River Cities.

After River Cities -- Redman!

3 comments:

The Curvy Life said...

HUGS! Keep on trucking! Sounds like you have a great plan! you ARE an amazing athlete! You inspire me!!

La-

Cyclin' Missy said...

Awesome! I'm so happy that you won. And you're going to keep winning that internal battle. Because you are a strong athlete. A deserving athlete. A successful athlete! You are doing what few others have even attempted. Go, you!

sharla said...

You are an inspiration!
Sounds as if you were holding too much in and who cares if you looked a lil crazy. It was cleansing!

Thank you for your suggestions!
I did drink the kool aid :)

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