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Friday, October 24, 2008

Turning the Corner...

I don't have a ton of time, as I need to pack my gear for my ride this weekend. Have I mentioned I'm doing the LiveSTRONG ride in Austin, TX? :-p While I didn't reach my goal to chow-down and have dinner with Lance, I might get to stalk him at some point over the weekend. LOL

As you can see, some things have changed around here. When I first named my blog it reflected where I was at that time. I was very pre-0p and I really felt like I just didn't have time. I was slowly removing myself from life and found myself watching more than doing -- which if you knew me, you'd know that just wasn't right.

I felt damn near hopeless and had a brand-new baby girl to care for, teach and protect. I knew something had to change for me: a) To lose the weight and get my Diabetes in control and b) Not pass on my same warped issues with regard to weight on to my kid. Well, we all know how things ended up. Fast forward to 2 years later and I am now post-op and feel so much better about the role model I can be for my daughter.

Kim doesn't realize this, but this morning she asked me a question about an aspiration of mine. Still, I have a hard time saying exactly what that aspiration is. That's another blog entry, but while I don't believe these things whole-heartedly anymore, this is what fight in my head, this is what I heard over and over again growing up:

"You could never be a dancer..." you're too fat.
"You could never land that part..." you're too fat.
"You can never play sports..." you're too fat
"You could never make a living as a singer..." you're too fat.
"You could never get that kind of job..." you're too fat.
"You have such a pretty face..." under all that fat.
"You can't wear that..." you're too fat.

Basically my weight would keep me from doing anything I loved to do growing up. And even though I'll be 41 years old next week and totally know better, these things still haunt me in the corners of my mind and I know they keep me from achieving future goals if I don't get over them some how.

This is the part of journey that's the most challenging. I have got to get through this to see myself at the end. Ironically, this part of the journey is unavoidable for anyone who has lost weight, or has lived live obese -- it doesn't matter how or even if you lost the weight. It could be these very thoughts sabotaging your heart, spirit and mind.

I feel like I am in a place and ready to turn a corner. It's like I know if I turn it, I'm going to have to move forward and it scares the crap out of me. I feel so stupid, so immature. Ugh... Let's just stop here.

Since I am living my life in ways I envisioned, and in ways that are good for me, I am learning more about who I am and who I am not. to that end I needto change this blog. It needs to reflect more of who I am, and less of who no longer am! *head spin*

While we all might die tomorrow, or in the next 5 minutes getting hit by a bus, it's true we never know how much time we really have. What is important is what we do now. Right now.

Well, I'm going to wrap it up here. I've got to get us packed and ready to go. Wish me luck, and as usual pics will be forthcoming. :)

1 comments:

Kim H. said...

I love the new page!! So cute! (if only we could get rid of the nasty blue button on the side... HA! just a little dig...)

I can't wait to hear how this weekend goes - and to see pictures too!

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