-->

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday Workout and Frustration

This post is going to be all over the place... bear with me.

20 minutes easy cardio (right before training session)

Leg Press
15 x 185 lbs.
12 x 365 lbs.
6 x 635 lbs.
4 x 815 lbs.
2 x 870 lbs. <---- New Personal best, formally 1 x 820 lbs.

Attempted 1 x 920 lbs. to break the record - FAILED :(

10 x 365
15 x 185
20 x 95

Made it 1/3 of the way up and just got stuck. My trainer thought I'd pull it out, but no matter how hard I grunted, it didn't happen. He saw it go down a hair and decided to call it off and keep me injury free.

It is amazing how so much of it is in your head. It's like if you shift focus for a nanosecond, you lose it. I think that's what happened. At some point in the lift I realized that I was pressing more with the balls of my feet than pushing through my heels -- that's about when I lost it; I wasn't focusing on pushing for that half-second.

I was a little embarrassed when he told me I had an audience of watching when I attempted the 920. I just felt my face get flushed, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to know I did well. I didn't beat the record, but I did move up to 2nd. LOL

I sometimes wonder how much of this strength I have always had just from being obese and carrying it around most of my life vs. how much I've actually gained since surgery. My goal with the weight lifting was to maintain muscle mass and not lose. My trainer believes wholeheartedly that I have indeed built muscle. On the other hand, the exercise physiologist at OH.com and I had a lengthy conversation about a post-op's ability to build muscle. In short he said we could only get so far because we can't maintain an anabolic state since we cannot consume enough calories.

I have a theory about why my loss moves so slow in comparison to others. Essentially the same reason as pre-op. I think I create way too much of a deficit for my activity level. I don't subscribe to "it's a matter of eating less and moving more" adage. Lord knows I do that. I think that my body "adjusted" to my consumption levels fairly early, because it had no choice given my activity, where as most post-ops bodies take about 18 months to adjust and therefore they start losing weight slower.

The Bodybugg is showing I create a deficit every day that ranges from 750 to 1200 calories. On average I get 57 minutes of activity a day; that's just the average! All I can hope for is that my body will follow the trend, which means that sometime, in the next 4 or 5 weeks, I should see the scale move again. It seems I see the scale move every 3 months or so.

I'm venting and frustrated. I'm at the point where I am really trying to change my mindset and love the body I'm in right now. This is me and and I am perfect the way I am at this moment. I will continue to get healthier. My goal is not a number on the scale. I just want my belly fat to be half my height to avoid heart risks. That's 33"; I'm currently at 38".

A lot of people base their milestones and achievements on where they fall on the BMI table and that's great for them. For me, I can't worry about what the BMI table says, and whether it labels me "morbidly obese", "obese" or "overweight." It's some formula that doesn't take into account a person's genetics or body composition.

I've been hesitating going back to Doc W for my follow-up. Last time I was there he said "I want to see you under 200 lbs. the next time you're here." I'm exactly the same +/- a pound or two on a given day. I can't seem to ever rid myself of feeling guilty of not succeeding, in spite of knowing I AM doing the right thing. It was like the same pressure my Mother put on me when I was a kid! I'm 40 years old. I should be over it.

And before someone comments about how this "surgery is a tool", I know that so please don't restate the obvious for me. I don't mean to sound snarky about it. I remind myself constantly of the reason I did this, and that was to eradicate my Diabetes, which it has. I am soooo grateful and if I had to do it again, I would make the same choice without hesitation.

It's the same old story though. I see post-ops not taking care of themselves, eating sh*t, not exercising and they drop weight... and "Oh, I'm below my goal" reallly effin' gets to me. For the most part I'm thrilled for each and every one of them, but part of me is, well, jealous. I want to say that I am "healthy", but I can't. I can't allow myself to say that until I have dropped the last of this weight.

I do all these things, cycling, tri's and the weightlifting. I clearly make strides and achieve things I never thought I could. My resting heart rate the other day was 49! 49!! With all that I do and all that my "numbers" show, I still can't say "I am healthy" and feel 100% good about it.

Okay, I'm done. :)

Anyway, I finished the training session with:

Traveling lunges
2 sets 20, no weights
2 sets 20, 12.5 lbs.
2 sets 20, 15 lbs.

Blah.

2 comments:

Kim H. said...

Oh wow - this post really spoke to me because I get it COMPLETELY! I watch some of my other friends losing faster than I am and all of that, and I know that they aren't model patients either - but somehow they've lost a ton more than me! I think you're on the right track, and you've inspired me to keep plugging away at getting healthy.

I don't focus on a timeframe for losing my weight - just doing the best I can for my body.

You know, I've always found Dr. W to be the most understanding doctor I've ever known... and I'm sure that if you went in for your follow up - he wouldn't even remember saying that, and he'd have something encouraging to say about where you are.

SignGurl said...

Oh, Donna. My heart goes out to you. I see you doing everything the way you should, even going above and beyond.

I hope it helps you to know that I think you are so amazing. You really are a hero to me. YOU inspired me to get off my a$$ and try and make something out of this lump I call a body. I know that much of the weight I lost was actually muscle mass. For that I feel like an idiot for not at least trying to maintain what I had.

It's so unfortunate that for some of us, we gauge our success on the scale. We need to look where we came from and hold our heads high with pride.

I ♥ you, Donna!

Post a Comment