Time for Some Truth

I have been struggling some lately, and I need to come clean.

I have noticed some possible transferrence issues. They all seem to revolve around the fact that I haven't lost a large number of pounds... in fact, it's hitting me harder than I care to admit - but I have to, before it turns into something worse.

So here's the deal. When the scale doesn't drop, the one way I found to make me feel good (since I can't eat!) is to buy new clothing. In the last three months, when I've been feeling most down about my perceived lack of achievement, and have spent waaaay more than I should have. It all came to light reviewing our family budget -- in fact I didn't even realize it. It was hard to see in black and white; there was no denying it.

Now it's not like our house is going into foreclosure or our cars repossesd, but I've probably spent more than $2K in the last 3 to 4 months -- that's not good.

The good thing is that I see it, and I've identified the problem and am committed to fixing it.

I have my 1 year labs to tend to and I don't want to do it. I still can't believe that after 1 year I've dropped 90 lbs, compared to my peers who are more than 150+ down in most cases. I know that going from a 26 to a 14/16 should make me happy (and it does, but apparently not enough). The fact that I've been able to maintain muscle and lost only 1.5 lbs of it post-op is an achievement too -- but it's obviously it's not satiating my desire for acheivement.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish I didn't workout to the degree that I did, and maybe it was a mistake to go gung-ho so soon. Maybe I should have been stripped of the pounds first and then tended to the muscle improvement -- at least then I wouldn't have felt like I re-routed my plumbing for nothing.

I just can't believe that the same thing that was happening to me pre-op is happening post-op. Who has surgery and doesn't lose 100 lbs. in the first year if they're over 300 lbs. to start?

My hospital's dietician seems to think I don't eat enouhg to fuel my activity; this is the same problem I had pre-op, when I was exercising intensely at 300+ lbs.

Logic does set in. I know that I'm healthier than I've ever been and that getting thin is just a side-affect. I know that the changes I have made in my life are permanent. I know that I'm living life with more vitality than ever. I am ever so thankful for those things and feel blessed.

Even in light of these achievements, there is a cloud over all of it.

There is so much of my future tied-in to my success with this tool and my fitness. I really feel inside that what I'm passionate about is teaching others to be fit -- I could never do it though, until I succeed myself. Ugh -- gets so frustrating when I think about it.

In any case I'm not looking for solutions from anyone -- I know what I need to do. I'm just exercising my right to be honest and open... that's a start.