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Monday, November 26, 2007

Time for Some Truth

I have been struggling some lately, and I need to come clean.

I have noticed some possible transferrence issues. They all seem to revolve around the fact that I haven't lost a large number of pounds... in fact, it's hitting me harder than I care to admit - but I have to, before it turns into something worse.

So here's the deal. When the scale doesn't drop, the one way I found to make me feel good (since I can't eat!) is to buy new clothing. In the last three months, when I've been feeling most down about my perceived lack of achievement, and have spent waaaay more than I should have. It all came to light reviewing our family budget -- in fact I didn't even realize it. It was hard to see in black and white; there was no denying it.

Now it's not like our house is going into foreclosure or our cars repossesd, but I've probably spent more than $2K in the last 3 to 4 months -- that's not good.

The good thing is that I see it, and I've identified the problem and am committed to fixing it.

I have my 1 year labs to tend to and I don't want to do it. I still can't believe that after 1 year I've dropped 90 lbs, compared to my peers who are more than 150+ down in most cases. I know that going from a 26 to a 14/16 should make me happy (and it does, but apparently not enough). The fact that I've been able to maintain muscle and lost only 1.5 lbs of it post-op is an achievement too -- but it's obviously it's not satiating my desire for acheivement.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish I didn't workout to the degree that I did, and maybe it was a mistake to go gung-ho so soon. Maybe I should have been stripped of the pounds first and then tended to the muscle improvement -- at least then I wouldn't have felt like I re-routed my plumbing for nothing.

I just can't believe that the same thing that was happening to me pre-op is happening post-op. Who has surgery and doesn't lose 100 lbs. in the first year if they're over 300 lbs. to start?

My hospital's dietician seems to think I don't eat enouhg to fuel my activity; this is the same problem I had pre-op, when I was exercising intensely at 300+ lbs.

Logic does set in. I know that I'm healthier than I've ever been and that getting thin is just a side-affect. I know that the changes I have made in my life are permanent. I know that I'm living life with more vitality than ever. I am ever so thankful for those things and feel blessed.

Even in light of these achievements, there is a cloud over all of it.

There is so much of my future tied-in to my success with this tool and my fitness. I really feel inside that what I'm passionate about is teaching others to be fit -- I could never do it though, until I succeed myself. Ugh -- gets so frustrating when I think about it.

In any case I'm not looking for solutions from anyone -- I know what I need to do. I'm just exercising my right to be honest and open... that's a start.

8 comments:

Melting Mama said...

(((((((((((((((((d o n n a)))))))))))))))

Inky said...

Big hugs to you for your openness and honesty!!

Kim said...

You know Donna, I actually find you to be an inspiration... you're honest about your feelings, and go head on to fix any bumps in the road. I know it's easy to say, but keep your head up because 90 pounds is an amazing loss!

Incredible Me said...

Hugs!

I know exactly what you mean. I too am struggling with my perceived lack of progress, and the fact that I'm acquiring some inappropriate behaviours to replace my inability to eat.

*sigh* hang in there. You will continue to move forward.

PS. My nut is having me eat more as well, and I'm really struggling against it. Never am I going to be able to equate eating more = losing more in my head. Good luck with this one!

Kim said...

Being pre-op, and honestly having little idea of what you are dealing with, it seems to me that you should always keep your own words in the front of your mind:

"I have my health back, better self-esteem and am able to live my life more closely to how I've always envisioned I should be living it. To no longer be plagued by pain, physical challenges, needing to use the C-Pap or being Diabetic, is plenty enough to be thankful for."

So often I think we concentrate too hard on that magic number, either in our heads or on the scale, when in reality what really matters is what you said that I just quoted. You feel so much better! You're health is so much better!

Hang in there, Donna. I think you are doing fabulously!

Aussieabroad said...

I wonder if it's a one year thing but I am struggling too. I have lost a little more than you but nothing in the past two months. I am the same size as you and although thinner is not my goal, lighter is. I hate that I am still in the 200's.

I so identify with your post but at the same time I have to say I really admire what you've done. Your commitment to your health is simply amazing. I have no doubt that you will sustain your success to date (and beyond) as a result.

Hugs... and congratulations on your first year.

Dagny said...

I understand what you're feeling about wanting the reward commensurate with the work. But I think it's also part of being a relentless perfectionist that you're going to keep working as hard as you are no matter what because you can't cut corners even if you try!!!

I'm not trying to find a silver lining here for you. I'm not sugar-coating this. You and I are a lot alike. I think we understand each other pretty well. Donna, you're pulling off the harder job. Two years out I can tell you that. You've brought some very serious permanent change into your life and habit-skills that will serve you FOREVER. I am convinced serious exercise is the KEY to making this whole thing work for good.

SignGurl said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If it makes you feel any better, I envy you for your person commitment to exercise. You beat anyone I know with your training.

I know how hard it is to see those stupid numbers on the scale. I have no idea what to tell you not to obsess about it when I can't do the same thing myself.

I wonder if you added a few good carbs into your diet if that would get the ball rolling. I'm not saying you should go on a bender, but judging from what I see in your food diary, you need a few more carbs.

I use FitDay (I think you do too) to keep track of everything. I keep my calories at 1200. If I have a day where I don't get enough calories, my body rebels by gaining.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm here to tell you how proud I am of your accomplishemts!

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