-->

Thursday, November 29, 2007

First, I just want to say thanks, but I have to credit one of my favorite bloggers for really giving me the courage to really own my truths -- and if someone else can learn from what I'm going through, then I guess that's the real silver lining. It's just daunting trying to point out and recognize your own shortcomings.

I tell myself all the time, that it is a process. If I can keep myself from being on the next episode of Oprah featuring WLS post-ops with transference issues, that would be a good thing! :)

In the last 8 years of really dealing with my weight, I've been nothing short of tenacious. Yes, there are those cyclical times where I just had enough of what seemed like trying-for-nothing, only to find motivation in sometimes the smallest of things -- but at least it is found, and have always stood back up. Failure is not an option here.

As hoakie as it sounds, I know I just need to stay in that place in my head where I can actually believe that I care about myself as much as I might others. Self-loathing is not productive -- my perceived self-worth needs to be appropriate. And as one noter pointed out, I need to keep my own words in front of me; if it is good enough advice for a friend, it should be good enough for me.

I have to admit that since acknowledging I needed help via the WLS, things have not been the same with my Sister. Some of you might remember way back, when on a family vacation we were at odds with one another. I had yet to share my decision with my family because I had not been approved yet. When the vacation became a physical challenge to me, my attitude essentially went in the shitter, as did hers, and we were at odds non-stop throughout the family vacation; it was ruined.

When it all came out that it was my weight bothering me, and it was weight that was creating physical limitations for me, my Sister essentially felt I was using my weight as an excuse -- and told me so outright. She said that in all her life I always seemed happy... that she never felt like I felt less because I was/am obese.

I tried to explain that all my life I hid those feelings. I didn't want people to think I was physically limited, so I worked extra hard to beat their expectations. I didn't want to acknowledge just how big a problem my weight was, so I felt if I could keep going and wasn't limited, then there really wasn't a problem. In short, she thought it was a "crock" and we just agreed to disagree -- but it wasn't important for her to even try to understand it. I guess that still bothers me to some small degree.

Ever since July we've been disconnected. Any initiation of contact on my behalf feels un-natural, or I feel like she'll know it's forced. We really have nothing in common, except the same mother. We never really bonded as friends because when I left home she was just becoming old enough where we might have developed a friendship. Of course I love her and would die for her, but honestly, her friends and my Mom know her better than I do.

We talked once about really trying to have some kind of ongoing communication to maybe help develop our friendship, but it never took off. I called her a few times; she's so busy that she just doesn't have the time to call back. Admittedly, her life is somewhat frenzied, but I feel like if something is important enough, you make the time. That's what my Mom always said, and now she's even making excuses for my Sister. It's obvious that it is not important to my Sister, so I have to be careful not to let her lack of attentiveness to our relationship become a way to decrease my self-worth.

Ugh... enough of this stuff. Not sure where it came from, but it is good.

I think I'm going to try Yoga on Saturday morning. The idea of giving myself permission to have 60 minutes of peace sounds kinda nice. I've been meaning to do this for a while now :)

Early Morning (20 g. protein)
Venti NF Latte

Morning (16 g. protein)
6 oz. FF Fage Yogurt
1/2 C. Pumpkin
3 T. Granola

AM Snack (10 g. protein)
2% Cottage Cheese

Lunch (29 g. protein)
2 oz. Lean Ham
1 C. Raw Spinach
1/2 C. Diced Mozzarella
Balsamic Vinegar

PM Snack (10 g. protein)
2% Cottage Cheese

Dinner (24 g. protein)
2 pcs. Wasa Light Cracker Bread
2 C. Beef Vegetable Soup

2 comments:

SignGurl said...

I'm sorry to hear that your sister feels that way. For me, it's my mother. I know that it's hard for her because seeing my success makes her feel like a failure.

It's so hard to get your head out of the self loathing that we have done for years. I totally get working harder so that it would appear that weight was not an issue. That weight was killing us even if we wouldn't admit it.

Hope the Yoga does miraculous things for your brain.

Kim said...

I can relate on the sister issue - I've got two of them that I barely know. I've often thought about trying to build stronger relationships with them, and have even mentioned it to them that we should try... but no one truly makes the effort - so I stay with having friends that are closer than sisters.

Post a Comment