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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Where Have I Been?

Let's just say the last several months have been quite a whirlwind.

To make a very long story short, my Dad was deathly sick from Pneumonia. His entire right lung was encapsulated, as well as a portion of his left. To top it off, he coded twice while in the hospital, went into Septic Shock and all of his organs shut down one-by-one. They called me and told me they didn't expect him to make it through the next 48 hours, that it was very bleak, and that his mortality rate was 100%. Needless to say really, I got on a plane. Went to Pennsylvania and stayed for nearly 3 weeks. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. It's now been 16 weeks, and my Dad was discharged 2 weeks ago on his 27th wedding anniversary. The hospital has nicknamed him "Mighty Dog", for beating the odds. As of today, he is now on out patient physical therapy. His recovery has been amazing, to sa the least.

All of this happened at the time I was really ramping up to go through with the requirements for the surgery. When everything started happening, and I had to continually reschedule everything, I started to feel a bit deflated about the whole process. Knowing my insurance company was as stringent as it is, I was not looking forward to the long, drawn-out process. Believe it or not, a few time I contemplated whether it was worth it, the emotional investment that is, to see this through. I had thoughts that I'd get through all this, only to lose the weight and gain it back. It's quite interesting how these fears penetrate your thought process makes you re-contemplate your decision. I do know it's only fear talking.

I know I deserve this. I've worked too hard for too many years, not to have success in this area. I lost 105 lbs... on my own! I know that with help I can maintain the weight loss the surgery will provide. I dream of the day my outside will match my inside. To look as fit as I feel in my mind, would just be amazing.

I have such a warped image of my self. I mean, I love me... I love the person that I am. So I should say, I have a warped body image. There are days whene I see every ounce of weight on my body and it just makes me sick, and then there are "good body" days, where I feel my weight is invisible (which I know logically is not the case), but it comes concurrently when I am pushing my physical limitations with success and enjoying activity.

Does any of that make sense to anyone else? Or does it only make sense to me?

Anyway, I made more progress yesterday, as I met with Dr. Weinstein. He was very nice, and kind of cocky in a likeable way. He was confident he would get me approved for the surgery, and truly felt like it could happen in 3 to 6 months -- which would be awesome, since it would be well within the same calendar year.

I had a physical exam, and he said that my borderline Diabetes, my body mass index and probable sleep apnea, are plenty enough reason to have the surgery. I'm going to participate in an overnight sleep-study because I think the lack of restful sleep has plagued me for some time now without event knowing it.

I'll see Dr. Weinstein each month until the surgery is approved. If my insurance does not cover it, in November my husband is adding me to his insurance as a secondary. As of this calendar year, they cover the surgery pretty easily, so hopefully that will be my backup plan.

It was nice knowing that I didn't have to convince him of the value of the surgery. He works closely with Dr. Naaman's office, and is totally on board with it. He feels strongly that each of us has a pre-disposed genetically designated weight, and that to push beyond that weight, you need help. As he pointed out to me, "...you held off 105 lbs. for 5 years, and even your most diligent efforts could not get you beyond your lowest weight." As he said that I felt a little defeated, but at the same time I knew at that point he really did understand why I was seeking the surgery.

In addition to moving forward with acquiring approval for the surgery, I have returned to WW'rs and am doing okay. I don't want to gain a ton of weight, simply because I'm trying to have the surgery, and hopefully I'll lose a few along the way. The accountablity of stepping on the scale for someone each week keeps me in check.

I'm back to the gym 4 days a week, spinning, step aerobics and weights. Darren and I also agreed that after I have the surgery, I am going to get a personal trainer to help me formulate a weight plan to help sculpt me along the way. He's actually excited for me, and one of my biggest supporters.

That's it for now. Next I have to schedule my Baratric Nutrition class, and then the Psych Evaluation.