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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Random Thoughts From A Nervous Nellie!

I’m sure this entry is going to be all over the place, but I had to get my thoughts written out somehwere.

Today I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and I am not sure exactly why. It could be I am simply having a bad case of PMS, or experiencing a bout with nervousness over the thought of what will happen for me after the surgery.

Actually, it could be both; and it probably is. :)

It’s not the decision to have the surgery mind you – I’m firm with my choice. It’s the aftermath I get so nervous about.

No doubt I am scared. I’m not sure anyone would blame me. I find it ironic that as I write this from the hospital where I will attend my Bariatric Nutrition class today, there is a decorative tiled compass covering the length and width of the lobby’s floor. Pehaps the compass for those who lost their way, and find themselves here to start a journey to better health? That would be me, I thought.

I know I have to let go of the past: forgive, forget, heal and move on. I have to believe that no matter what anyone has said or done to me, I am well beyond “good enough”, and that even in the unlikelyhood the surgery is not successful for me, I will still love myself and treat my body with respect and care.

Fat doesn’t make people damaged goods.

Fat makes people unhealthy.

Fat makes me feel unhealthy and creates life limitations I want to change. I just need some help changing them. I consider this surgery to be a life-long tool. Successful use of the tool is up to me.

Physically, I’ve always tried to live actively, simply because I enjoyed it, and probably because it also proved to everyone my weight was not a limitation. But now, getting older, I feel physical limitations and have signs of degrading health. I'm not about to stand by and do nothing. I want to live even more now, especially with the arrival of my Daughter, Cassie.

When I think about all the possibilities... all the things I'll be able to do with her, and I mean REALLY DO things WITH her, I feel it is an unfathomable reality.

I know it is possible, as I’ve seen success in others.

I guess the real question is, “Do I feel I deserve this?” What makes me deserve this second chance at having a quality of life, more so than someone who is heavier than me?

I so want this to work. I know I will be diligent, steadfast and persistent in my efforts, but “What if?” What if it doesn’t work for me? They say that for a small percentage of folks, this procedure does not work.

I’ve read countless journals of others who have had RNY success and failures before me. Those stories have both strengthened me and left me with more questions.

How does one prep their mind for the emergence they inevitably experience? Can any amount of therapy truly prepare you for a 360 degree change in your life?

For those who seemingly flouish with nothing but success and never have a challenge to speak of, how much are they hiding? What are they hiding? Or is it just as good an experience for those folks as they say it is?

And what about those who have the courage to share their not-so-positive experiences, only to be trampled on by those who want look away from the realities of the surgery to make themselves feel better about the choices they’ve made. Even those with courage still struggle getting to know their new self-image, and don’t seem able to fully enjoy life. They never find a way to “hush” the fat person living inside their thin body.

When your mind is not prepped properly, there is no way to hear the new voice inside, just waiting to sing.

When I started writing this I was sitting in a chair on the East side of the compass. I’ve now moved to the table on the South end, so I’m more comfortable writing. I catch myself staring at it wondering, how many different directions will I go before I’ve arrived at my destination?

I suppose too I am just at a crossroads in my life (aka mid-life crisis?). I have a loving family. I have a dear Husband (my biggest supporter) and Daughter who love me unconditionally,. I have extremely supportive friends, a good job and a beautiful home. Why isn’t that enough? Am I being selfish? And though I ask, I know I am not, but the question crosses my mind sometimes.

This surgery is not about vanity. This surgery is life-saving, life-extending, and life improving. I know this surgery will assist with achieving a quality-of-life I never knew existed.

3 comments:

Matt Cooper said...

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Religionator said...

I enjoyed reading your site. I'm interested to read more about bariatric diets now. It can be fun to completely change your diet, you discover all kinds of interesting new foods. I've gone through a radical dietary change over the last few years. From hard core carnivor to vegan. Good luck with everything :)
-religionation.blogspot.com

Jen, Former Fat One said...

The funny thing is, no matter how much you think you'll be ready for your surgery and all it will entail, you simply CANNOT be prepared for what is about to happen to you. My very best advice is to be ready, willing and able to take whatever comes your way. The good. The bad. The utterly confusing. It's all a part of YOU--not some theoretical journey. It's just you.

Another thing I've learned is that the fat girl is still me. The thin girl is me. The challenge is to learn to embrace and uphold yourself as the incredible creature you are--before surgery AND after.

Every step along the way is worth it. The hard parts make the easy parts all that better. I wouldn't trade the most horrific days in my life post-op for anything. They've helped shape who I am today. I hope you happen upon this same understanding and peace in your life.

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