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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Mind Rush

Ever since the day I decided to do this, I go through what I call "mind rushes" -- I can't seem to stay focused on much else, and thoughts of going through WLS, pre-of and post-of, literally rush through my mind; there are already two nights where I got little sleep because I was dwelling on these thoughts...

- What if I choose the wrong procedure?
- What if the procedure doesn't yield a useful tool for me?
- What if something goes wrong, and the worst happens?
- What if I suffer complications after whatever procedure I choose?
- What if I never feel full?
- How will my Mother take the news?
- How much will my family suffer during my recovery?

Today I go see my Endocrinologist. I'm a little nervous. I had hoped to be closer to my pre-pregnancy weight before returning to him. I can't play games though; I don't have time. I have to get the ball rolling in some direction.

While I was pregnant he suggested Meridia might help me later on; that I'd be a good candidate -- I will ask him about this today.

I've been journaling my food, and this week got back to the gym after nearly 6 weeks away. Even though I'm pursuing the path of WLS, I'm going to focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle again. In a way, focusing on the WLS has re-motivated me for staying on track food-wise. Ironic, huh?

Having done Weight Watchers for so long, I found my self consumed with planning my meals, when was my next meal/snack (not cause I was hungry, but for planning). I was always thinking about good/bad or low/high point foods that it just consumed my thoughts all the time. I don't think it's healthy to be worrying about food like that.

I want a healthy relationship with food. Not a relationship that I fear or mistrust. I want to be in a place where I eat because I am hungry. I want to know what it "full" feels like, after eating just a half plate of food. Right now, unless I gorge myself and clean my plate, I never feel really full.

Ugh! So much on my mind. I feel like a BB ricocheting from wall-to-wall!

Good thing the Weight Loss seminar is at the end of the month. I'm not sure I could wait much longer to get to the heart of the matter.

3 comments:

Pixie said...

Wow. It must've been an enormous decision for you. I hope you get the results you're looking for.

Donna said...

Yes, it was a tough decision. I'd become somewhat of a role model to some friends where WWr's was concerned -- and I know some of them won't accept this, or at the least will be surprised by my decision. I really just decided that I deserve to be the best that I can be, and if a tool like this can help me, then at the least, I should investigate it. Thanks for your comment.

Jae said...

Donna,
I'm reading your stuff, girl. Amazing. I'll get to posting more on mine.

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