Why Ironman?

From my very first tri experience at 300 lbs, a relay team at the Austin Danskin more than 10 years ago, I fell hard for the camaraderie of the sport.  165 lbs. later, when I became a strong enough athlete to race individually, that feeling of crossing the Finish was simply satisfying.  I chose a goal, planned, prepared, executed and succeeded.  How can that not feel good?

Every time you do something you know is good, it makes you feel better about yourself. 

But sometimes you have to choose goals so big that they scare the snot out you, and that in it of itself keeps you focused.  I had never done a sprint before!  You can bet I was training.  First Olympic? Trained my butt off for it.  First 70.3 -- training was a religion for me!  Through all that training I stayed focused on a goal and my body and mind reaped the benefits.  Because for me, it is far more exciting to train for a triathlon, than head to 24 Hour Fitness for a "body pump" class every Saturday morning.  No offense body pumpers!  It's just not for me.

So there's that... I just love the idea of multisport like others love fishing or baseball. 

In later years though, as I seek some inner-healing, I see Triathlon as a practice in vulnerability and see how it builds courage.  Each training session, each race, I push myself to see how far I can go.  How deep I can really dig.  Yet, I've never really let-go enough to really push my limits. I worked hard of course, but fear always made me hold something back. I never raced with reckless abandon or like no one was watching me.

Hello Fear,
Nice to meet you.
I will prove you are a liar.
Love,
Donna

It does take the vulnerability to go out there lycra-clad when I feel shame that my body is so imperfect. I would worry I am so slow to finish that even the cold pizza is gone when I cross the line.  Maybe I possibly feel like a hypocrite, because after all that I've been through, my body is still not at a healthy weight.  I felt as if onlookers were being repulsed by my body, snickering, wondering why I am even bothering with race?  Or worse, do they feel sorry for me?

In the past, when I received encouragement on the course, it used to fill me with anger.  I was not even capable to receive the joy that should come when someone says, 'Great job, Girl!"  I would sometimes get angry, because how dare they they assume they know my story?  "I know I'm going to finish... I always finish -- they don't have to tell me!"  "They don't know my story!" I used to think.

With every race though, I get better.  Better and better and accepting encouragement for it's  priceless value.  Racing today is definitely more joyful, now that I am better at appreciating the fact I have the choice to this!  If I were stuck in a wheel chair or didn't have legs it would be an even greater challenge.  I am healthy and can move on my own will and for that I am truly grateful.  Being grateful is necessary to experience joy.

So it seems the last few years have been lesson in understanding myself, receiving receiving joy and appreciating encouragement  and accepting positive words from others.  It's made everything a richer experience.

It was not until this last year though that I had a break-through.  I never did the run in a tri without a running skirt on to hide my pannus (that hanging abdominal flap I just had removed).  I did it once, then twice last year, and then again at my most recent race... and even though I knew I put on 12 pounds over the Winter!  Vulnerability completely exposed.  I owned my story.  No one even noticed.  Shame erased.  Courage tick marked on the board.

Shame won't prevail when you own your story and overcome your vulnerability.  Courage is built.

I am very happy it happened prior to my skin removal. 

I have so many recordings in my head from childhood about everything I couldn't do because of my weight.  Can't dance, can't sing, can't play sports, won't find a job. You shouldn't do that because..

And hey, I know they were just advising me out of love and educating me as to the harsh realities of the real world, but who knew 35 years later these recordings would still be clamoring through my head, limiting me in various facets of life.  

Though I am slightly better today, there is still much shame inside me about my body.  What I've done to myself, what's been done to me, what it's kept me from doing in my life.  And despite doing some pretty amazing things, I've never totally exposed myself. It's like I've gotten away with something in the game of life.  I don't want to "get away" any longer.

Ironman is such a BFG (big F'n Goal) that I will have no choice;  I will be vulnerable to what comes that day. I won't be able to escape it. I won't be able to get away with anything to get through it.  On race day it's just me and the BFG facing off.  I want to learn I can be vulnerable without it meaning weakness, and from that vulnerability, grow the courage to no longer believe those recordings in my head -- because frankly, if only 1% of the nation finishes Ironman, that data proves enough to me. :)

I want to own and know that space between pushing my limits and cratering.  I want to know what I'm capable of; if I prove it to myself, I will never allow anyone to make me feel otherwise.  The moment I cross that Finish, that space becomes clean for me.  Sacred.  I will know and own my story and defend myself proudly.

What if I don't finish?  I can't even visualize that happening.  Seriously, I can't, even if I try. 

Coach said something a long time ago which stuck with me about how athletes who dive into training head-over-heels and lose their sights for anything else in life are running away from something. 
I've often thought about it; why do I want to do 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running?  I mean, I'm not even a big fan of running!

I realize that for me, I am actually running towards something. Something good.  I've chosen a goal so big that it will force me to become more of who I want to be and expose who I already am.

I know I did not choose this path. As sure as I love my Husband and Daughter, I know I am being led down this path, and it would be ridiculous to dispute the order of events in my life over the last two years. Because really... who *chooses* Ironman?

I've been training for Ironman since my relay at Danskin.  It's been a long and bumpy road with many obstacles, but I am still on the path.  This accomplishment will prove what I what I have been trying to teach myself to believe -- I am enough.

A-ha!

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." 

Roosevelt 


A-freakin'-ha.

Post-op Soul Searching

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our own story, is the bravest thing you'll do."

 Brene' Brown

So I'm 5 days out from my, what I am going to call, "reconstructive" surgery.  I don't consider what I had done cosmetic.  Yes, looking better, while only relative in my case, is a nice benefit, not to be lifting my pannus each step on a run and revolution on my bike, or even just the daily routine walking up the stairs is a gift.

What did I have done?  After losing 165 lbs, I had my pannus (a large deflated flap of skin that hangs low over the pubic area, from under the belly-button) removed by an extended abdominoplasty, arm lift and lipo on the hips and trunk.

No, the procedures did not magically make me look like Barbie -- I'm still a sturdy woman and will always be; I still have weight to lose and work to do, but having these procedures will help those processes in many ways.  

Trust me when I say this was not an easy choice, and most definitely not easy to go through -- and I'm a self-proclaimed tough-chick.  I've felt a gamut of emotions through all this, which is, and is not terribly surprising at the same time.

After being home 24 hours, I look in the mirror and wonder, "What did I do to my body?"  I look like a cartoon super-hero in shape; small where the pannus was removed, but larger on top where I'm most swollen.  They say swelling will remain for 3 months and to not assume that what you see is the final result.  My two goals were pannus removal (check!) and not look malformed (here's hoping, but right now I look like Superman."  I'm over that hump now and feel much more positive.  :)

I've shared a bit about my own story on my blog which goes back more than 10 years now -- and I had a blog before Blogger was a twinkle in some geek's mind.  I've always used my blog to process and work on healing past experiences.  Going through this change with my body is prompting me to keep working on the emotional stuff.

I've gotten away from that process in the last few years.  Triathlon is important to me, but my mental well-being, the ability to love myself and others, self-acceptance, confidence and peace are all more important.  Since I'm targeting Ironman Florida in 2014, I figure getting my head right is in good order, so I'm going to go back to what works for me.  Blogging.  

To know real courage is to be vulnerable.  I'm going to do just that.  It sucks and it's hard.  Despite knowing some friends in "real life" read this blog, I'm going to go ahead and ask them to respectful of me and the content.  Blogging, in a strange way, still feels somewhat anonymous.  I used to feel comfortable journaling about more thoughtful, emotional issues that are important to my well-being.  For me, putting it in words makes it visual and therefore I process better.

My story in a nutshell? 

I'm a 45 year old wife, to Darren and Mom to Cassie (8 years old).  Born in the Bronx to my Mom and a "Bio-Dad" having a teen pregnancy.  Later, Mom married who I always knew as my "Dad" and then we moved to NJ where I was raised.  Parents divorced, Mom and Dad each remarried.  Dad is an alcoholic.  Mom was a workaholic.  At 14 I found out my Dad wasn't my "real" Dad.  I was very close to my Grandmother (passed on in '96).  I have a younger Sister and Brother. 

I grew-up in a Dance Studio run by my Mother and step-dad. I struggled with my weight from childhood, and while I enjoyed dance, I didn't dance just for pleasure.  I understand now that continued to dance to earn my Mother's approval and acceptance, in the way she accepted my Sister and her students.  She didn't have any interest in my playing sports, so I kept Dancing.  Of course that never went far, because of my weight -- it was a constant battle between us and I just got bigger and bigger.  Even at my lowest weight I was "normal" but didn't even see it, because in the Dance world I was practically ridiculous for even attending class.  I was an embarrassment to my Mother and pulled from shows where I landed lead roles because my Mother was trying to motivate me to lose weight.  Years later I understand that my Mother wasn't capable of having any interests, other than Dance.  It was never about me. Dance was quite literally her life.

Other things happened in my Childhood that weren't so kind; suffice it to say they were the kinds of things that when they happen to you as a child, they quite literally change the person you were going to become.

I married my best-friend in my early 20's and we were divorced 3 years time.  He was alcoholic.  I stuck around for 3 attempts at rehab, and once drugs came into the picture, I left and never turned back.

I moved to Texas in 1996 for a clean slate.  Fell into a fast and furious relationship that ended 3 months after arriving, but looking back it was a good thing -- I learned much about myself in that time, and this is probably just about the time I realized I needed to so some soul searching  and healing to deal with everything else.

I met my Husband, Darren, my biggest cheerleader, in 1998 and we've been together ever since.  I don't know for sure how he puts up with me sometimes, but he does and I swear he loves that I am tough and don't give-up easily.  He understands I'm a work-in-process and is by far the most patient and loving person I know. Most of the time we balance one another; my kray-kray to his laid-back.  We were blessed with our Daughter Cassie 8 years ago and won't be able to have anymore kiddos, but she is amazing, so why rock perfection, right?

In 2006 I had RNY Gastric bypass, and by most counts have been successful according to statistics.  I didn't lose enough weight to get to that "normal" BMI, but I am no longer an Insulin dependent Diabetic.  Instead, now I am a strong athlete with a resting heart rate of 49.  It's a race that is never over and I am pretty happy with maintaining a 165 lb loss.  My recent procedures are going to help me finish not only my first Ironman, but also get to that healthy weight.  I have about about 40 lbs. to lose.  :)

In 2007 I did some internet searching and located my Bio-Dad's family, but he was deceased.  I met his mother and a few of my cousins from that part of the family.  I haven't been the best at dealing with them and keeping routine communication -- something else I feel I owe them... an obligation, but I struggle with doing it... there is something that holds me back.

So to wrap up this super-long entry an get on with it, here's what I know for sure:

•  Just because someone is your "parent" doesn't magically give them the skill set you think they should have.  Until they know better, they can't do better -- and even then they will never fit that image you created in your mind of the kind of parents you longed for since childhood.  
• Just because someone isn't of your biological family, doesn't preclude them from being your family just the same. 
• I love my Mother and Father for who they are today, but struggle constantly to understand them.  
• It was not my fault.  Period. This I know for sure.
• If you cannot love yourself, you cannot accept love from others.
• The times I have left myself the most vulnerable have taught me the most courage and strength.
• Being vulnerable is hard and it sucks.
• I am enough. I am fully loaded and totally equipment for the path ahead of me.
• I know my family loves me.  I know I love them.  
• Be careful what answers you seek.
• You can be kind to everyone, but you need not befriend everyone.  If they bring nothing of value to a friendship, it's okay to let it (and them) go.  
• When people show you who they are, the first time, believe them.  NO.  Really, believe them.
• Surround yourself with like-minded people; the kinds of people who lead by example and show you who you want to be. The best friends are the ones that inspire you to be better version of you each and everyday.
• I know I will finish IMFL in 2014 under 17 hours.   Well, yeah, I had to throw that in there!

Bumpy Roads

I know.  It's been a while.  Too long... a rough few months. 

I've been preoccupied somewhat since December... maybe even a little longer, with some things I didn't want to share yet on my blog.  Good things, but still things that I didn't want to put in print yet, so let's get caught up. :)

So, Winter came and went. The holidays were great, even if I did fall of my Paleo wagon. No... I didn't fall off, let's just say the axel broke!  It's been hard to get back on and string more than a few good days together, but I'm on the right track now.

In December my company was acquired by a private equity group and my dear boss retired -- I absolutely adored her.   The first quarter of 2013 was not great. It's been a very bumpy and unknown ride at work and still is, but I'm navigating much better these days. 

In February my bronther-in-law passed away, unexpectedly, leaving my Sister and 2 nieces behind.  It was very tragic, but I was thankful work let me go home for more than a week to be with them.  It was where I needed to be and I'm so glad I was there.

So, as you can see, lots of life events.  Not stuff I really wanted to blog fully and openly about -- plus it's kinda depressing and boring stuff.  I just couldn't come out to the blog though and not write about it, so I didn't write at all.  Just wasn't inspired... that where the topic of my preoccupation comes in.

So back in August my BFF went to Rivercities Triathlon with me.  She doesn't tri, but she's one of my biggest fans and we got to have some visit time together.  She's not just my BFF, she is a "Sister" to me.  I'd take a bullet for her.  She's been there for me through good and bad since 1997, and is one of the first few people I met when I moved to Texas from NJ.  My Husband calls her my "Normal" friend, because for a while there, every friend I had needed something from me.. and generally more than I could give.  

He thinks she's "normal,"  clearly he's never seen her power-shopping.  :)

Anyhoo, my "Sister" told me she wanted to do something for me.  Something special.  Something she knew I'd never do until Cassie was grown-up and out of college. 

She started the conversation with, telling me how she came upon what I call, REALLY good fortune.  She told me she had some things on a list.  Things she wanted to do for others if she ever came in to a nice windfall of money.

Of course she would... that's how my BFF rolls.  She's good people; the kind that makes others want to be better.  The kind that makes you want to be more of whatever it is she sees in you.  :)

Then she says, "I know your ultimate dream is to do an Ironman..."

Okay, you have my attention. :)

Then she went on to tell  me that she knew my loose skin held me back from achieving my goal any time soon.  Then she drops the bomb.

"I want to give you the money for your  surgery."  "I want to  do this for you."  "I want to help you reach your goal."

"She wants to to what? That's crazy!", I'm thinking in my head. 

I was stunned.  I was speechless.  I teared up.  We talked a more and I got my feet back on the ground.  I have never had anybody *want* to do anything quite so generous for me.  It was quite overwhelming.  I mean, who am I to deserve that kind of thing?  This is the stuff that happens to other people, not me!

Needless to say I thought on it for a few days and discussed it with my Hubs, because my BFF would have it no other way.  I decided to accept her offer and was moving full-steam-ahead.

As with most business deals, things don't always go off without a hitch, and we hit a little obstacle with the funds coming in before my surgery date in December.  I was bummed.  BFF was heart-broken for me and her family.  She'd been dealing with this business mess for a year already.  She promised me it would still happen, but it would be in the future. It broke my heart to hear her so sad about it.

Well, friends, it's happening!  I've waited as long as I could to say anything, but in a less than 2 weeks I will be having my excess skin removed by an extended abdominoplasty and arm lift (I rash really bad when running).  Dr. L says I have 15-20 pounds of loose skin that will be removed. 


So there you have it; the BIG news.  More to follow.

And yeah, I'm signed up to volunteer for Ironman Florida in 2013 -- that only means one thing... guaranteed registration for Ironman Florida in 2014.

All because I have an amazing Husband, Daughter and "Sister" who support my crazy dreams.

Oh yeah... this is a "Hell Yeah!"

It's been quite a bumpy road over the last 6 months, but I'm here now and it's going to be an amazing ride.  Amazing.

Triathlon Season Officially Begins!

I thought I'd have to time to make this grand-ish entry about how it's officially the start of Triathlon season here in Houston.  The local tri community considers the day after the Houston Marathon the beginning of the season, but really, does the season truly  have a start or end to it?  We think about it all the time!

I've been laying pretty low.  I'm not being coached at the moment,  but CC (aka Cranky Coach) never really goes away.   I've been doing a lot of weight lifting,  and I'm getting strong and fixing those imbalances that often leave me plagued with injury.

This year will be pretty low key.  I just want some consistent training, even it's only to keep me out of trouble.  I hate to write it or say it out loud, because I don't want to jinx anything, but I hope to finally have have my skin removal surgery this year and have my under-arms fixed; both will help me a long way with my running.

With so much up in the air, a race schedule for me is pretty far-fetched at the moment.  Right now I know I won't be having surgery before April, so I've registered for Kemah Olympic.

After that, who knows?  I ♥ River Cities Tri and I've thought about the Gulf Coast  Half IM... mainly because in 2014, provided I have my surgery in a timely manner, I will recover well and finally head to Panama City, for Ironman Florida.  That's a big "Hell Yeah!"

There are a few "if's" to make all this work, but I'm hopeful and positive.  The first "if" is, "Will I make it to the Finish line at Kemah?

Only "If" I make it to the pool tonight!

Happy training season!

(Congrats to all my friends who finished the Houston Marathon & Aramco Half Marathon!)

A New Way to Party (on a Road Bike)

You have got to watch this.  You won't regret the 5 minutes and 21 seconds!

2012 Houston Tri... I mean Aquathon at Towne Lake

Race Report...

The week after Redman was the Houston Triathlon. At the beginning of the tri season I signed up for the TX3 series put on by On Ur Mark Productions.  It's a competition of three races, plus you got a discount for early registration.  I figured what the heck, I'll save some money, since I won't be in it for the fame.  Plus On Ur Mark does great events.

Kemah Triathlon ended with me in the med tent after pukin' my guts up off the bike.  Took in too much salt water on the rough swim. 

Had knee surgery in July and bailed on the Bridgeland Triathlon -- only to ease my way through my beloved River Cities Triathlon (didn't realize they were on on the same day, so there went my savings).

Houston Triathlon, now turned Aquathon.  Poor weather canceled the bike portion of the race; safety prevails.

My tri season:  0 for 3.  :(

After my Redman sprint experience you might bet I was ready to go.  My bike was so clean there was no way one bit of negative energy rested on it. :)  If nothing else, I was going to have a great bike.  :)

Rise and shine at 3:30 on race day.  The race site is a little over an hour away, so I have to start extra early.  I get up, grab some coffee and gather my pre-race breakfast.  I check my phone and I have a text message.  My friend texted me and told me the bike was canceled.  WTH!?!
 
I immediately got online and read, for myself, the message from the race director.  They made the right call, but I was bummed. 

"Guess I'm leaving Princess at home."  So much for that great bike!

Since my now IMTB (Ironman Training Buddy) can't seem to quit the routine of waking at ungodly hours on the weekend, he doensn't know what to do with himself, so he came along to support.  It was nice to have company on the dark early-morning ride out to Cypress.

Race setup was uneventful.  I ate my breakfast, got in a little run and a little swim.  The weather was cool and it was misting on and off.  It was just a yuck morning all the way around. 

I waited patiently for the waves to start, wishing I hadn't taken the warm-up swim, because now I was really cold!  Eventually the waves were started and we were off on our 1500m swim.   This year it was a nice 1 loop course, instead of wacky 2 loop course (for the Olympic distance) last year.

My swim started out okay.  I was in the top 1/3 of the group, according to IMTB.  Somewhere on the back long stretch though, I started having palpitations; my heart was in my throat.  This happened to me one day, a couple years ago on a crazy-brick workout.  I had to ride 24 miles at pace and finish with several 1 mile repeats.  I finished the repeats and was chatting with my coach just fine.  2 minutes later, I turned to go to my car to get my recovery drink.  I got 20 ft away and suddenly my heart was in my throat.  My HRM said it was over 300!  I couldn't talk and it was difficult to breathe.  I tried to stay calm, sat down and relaxed.  In a few minutes it came down.  I attributed it to accidentally double-dosing on my Thyroid meds. 

Needless to say that this happening on the swim.  It wasn't as bad as that day a few years ago, but it was definitely unnerving.  I tried to stay calm.  I rolled on my back and took note of where the kayackers were in case I needed help. I felt like I was staying in one place while just about everyone passed me.  Generally I catch-up to the slow folks in the wave before me, but today people from the wave behind me were passing.  Ugh.

I finally made it in, in 40 minutes.  Crap!  That's practically my 70.3 swim time.

Oh well.  I'm thankful I survived.  :)

I take the seemingly 1/4 mile run to transition... longer than the Redman "dash" to T1. 

I grabbed my gear and put on my Garmin.  I knew I still wasn't feeling right.  Sure enough, Garmin was reading a HR of 200+.  Ordinarily I would say it was incorrect, but I knew I felt it too.  I was walking with a HR of 200.  I could get it down to 170, but if I jogged, it shot right up -- at about 1.5 miles in it all just stopped.  My HR dropped to 120 and the palpitations were gone.  Just like that!

I was a little unsure so took it easy for a bit, but for the remaining 4 miles I ran and actually negative split my way to the finish. Horrible race, but that was something I never did before on a run.  :)

It was a yuck day, but another one for the training books.

Of course I've signed up for 1 more race this year -- a sprint. I'm really hoping, praying, I can have just one race where everything comes together and nothing (or me) falls apart.

 More to come!